silenced

what can I say

how can I say it

when you look at me

such intensity

forever silencing me

Words. They have been my friend, my love, my companion. All my life they have been close and dear to me. Spoken word has been my tool of choice. And I have embraced it, loved it back. I was called a noise-maker in primary school simply because I chose to share my love for words with anyone who cared to listen. Even those who didn't care to were nonetheless privy to my love. I cannot begin to count the number of times I wiggled out of physical confrontations using just words. Talked my way out of fights by merely exerting myself verbally, scaring even the most impressive antagonists into submission. Proving that the threat of violence more often than not can be more potent that violence itself. Words. How dearly I love them. So much so that I fell in love with written word (if such a thing exists). Whenever I am not verbally entwined with words, I am jotting them down and admiring the outcome. Words were and are still my way of letting the world in. Into my heart, into my soul, into my head. Opening up the abyss that is me to everyone else. Never have I been at a lose of words, never! Until now... Which is very concerning to me. See ever since I met her, I have been unable to use the one super power I have, my beautiful words. Now every time I am around her, I find that I am speechless.

certainly uncertain

oh how far I have come

oh how far I have to go

oh how much I must do

how many see

how much I have done

I am back to square one, back to the beginning. Only this is a new beginning, quite similar to other begins, but still a different beginningThe uncertain futures, the endless applications, the waiting period and possibly the endless stream of rejections that will follow. I am almost at the end of my Masters programme which means in 2 months I will once again be jobless with no foreseeable way to earn a living. Back to the brokeness, boredom, restlessness. Back to the uncertain future. Therefore to avoid this abyss I must now look for something to do. Bringing me back here to the beginning. I was here 2 years ago to the date, I was going through the same things, facing the same abyss, hoping for the same brighter future. I was doing the same things then that I am doing now. Only different. This is more advanced, more complex. I used to spend endless hours on the computer screen looking for jobs and Masters scholarships. Now I spend endless hours looking for jobs and PhD scholarships. I used to write long convincing personal statements that spoke of my situation and that of Kenya as a whole and how their education would help me remedy this. Now I have to write long convincing proposals as to why I deserve their money and expertise imparted to me.

I remember it like it was yesterday, the struggle, the pains, the hope, the disappointment and finally the triumph. That email that changed my life-well altered the course of the next 18 months. I remember the look on my parents face, that look of pride when I broke the news to them. I remember the look my friends had, the uhs and the ahs, the amazement. How did you do it, some would ask. How lucky you are! some would comment. I remember all this like it was yesterday, I remember this now as I sit at my desk going through the same process. The struggles, the pains, the hope. I remember this as I await the disappointing rejection I will receive soon. I remember this as I sit here writing a proposal, one that I have worked on for over 3 weeks and is far from complete-never mind that the deadline is fast approaching. As I sit here with all these pending applications to complete and a thesis to write, my mind cant help but drift. Drift to the future and dream of what will be when I eventually land one of these glorious opportunities. Dream of my parents pride and my friends amazement. Dream. All this while I wonder, as my friend once put it so eloquently, when the hear of my glory will they know my story?

'before you envy my glory, first listen to my story'.

Thank you Halinishi for the pearls of wisdom