P.S. When i wrote this my mind was all over the place and I was confused. Couldn't decide on whether to be angry or not to care...Just a caveat in case the entry seems disjointed or all over the place
in search of the one
or just one
anyone
who will be
what I thought
the one should be
b.c.
Friendship. It is said friends are a single soul living in two bodies. I think this is the most beautiful definition of this voluntary relationship. Dictionary.com describes a friend as 'a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard'. Humans are inherently social so it follows that we seek out others who we have things in common with or at the bare minimum co-exist with amicably with and could sometimes share parts of yourself with. Ever so often we get blessed and find friends who become more important to us then our own families. You see, families are loved out of obligation while friends are loved out of choice. True friends make this horrible world seem more beautiful and still worth living. But I have come to learn that friendships are just as hard as romantic relationships if not harder.
When two people meet, it takes an effort from at least one of them for them to become friends. Barring that, they meet, talk, go there separate ways and never talk again, unless they accidentally bump into each other. But it takes at least one person to go the extra mile to make it a friendship. Now it will take the both of them to make it work. now here is the situation I constantly find myself in with majority of my friendships, I am more often then not the guy who will go the extra mile for the friendship to be established. I will go the extra mile to keep it going and make sure it is successful. Then one day I turn around and find that I am the only one out there trying to make it work. I am the only one actually making an effort when it is meant to be effortless, almost second nature.
Everyday I find myself asking the same question, what does it take to just pick up your phone and call for 30 seconds? Or just send a simple text that takes 8 seconds flat to type(I have timed it) Why do I always have to be the one who finds out if they are still alive? Is it that I have to prove to then that I really want to be their friend? I mean, a friendship is a two way street right? Then they compound it by always the statement 'I miss you so much' everytime they bump into me by chance which always make me wonder 'WTF!!'. I mean, when I miss someone, I seek them out and spend time with them or talk to them to elliviate the feeling. But not these friends. No,they just save such sentiments for sound bites because they sound nice and create the illusion of them thinking about you. Perhaps its done so that you dont hate them for not playing their part in the relationship, who knows?
Now I have a new breed of friends, the ones who want to be friends but feel I must prove my worth by giving as much attention as I can afford in order to put their insecurities to rest(I am just guessing this is the reason because I have run out of options). i am not a lion in a circus so I do not have to jump through hoops. Now I know why I have a high rate of turnover when it coes to friends. As soon as I get rid of the ones I realise are not good for me, I aquire new ones who have so much promise but quickly learn they are not much different.
Then I did a quick inventory of my life and realised one interesting fact-all the friends who behave in this seemingly unbecoming manner are women. Not that women make bad friends(though evidence suggest the contray), its just a fact I have to contend with. I am told that i have bad tastes. I always choose the wrong ones, I think maybe I bring the worst out of people. Maybe it really is my fault...
I guess this behaviour can be attributed to the fact that once you get secure in a relationship, you dont feel the need to try any more. Maybe it is due to the fact that getting to know someone is so much more exciting while maintaing the friendship is too much work. Or it could be because I expect too much of mere mortals(though I expect so much more of myself than I do of anyone else). Or maybe it is because we were never really friends.
to Happy who has shown me what a true friend looks and feels like
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
square peg
sitting, thinking
feeling, wondering
wishing, hoping
that one day
one place
one time
i will be allowed
even for a second
to be just me
b.c.
When growing up, I realised that I was different. I was the blue thread on the white piece of cloth. Not the kind of different that get people sent to asylums, but a more subtle kind of different. Sure I did most things my age mates did, but most were not done because I wanted to to but mostly because I was socialised to believe that they were expected of me so as to fit in. Then I became a teenager and my rebellious streak showed up. I fully embraced my difference and refused to try and fit in. I intentionallly did things contratry to what was expected or demanded of me simply to show the world I was different. Whenever I heard a blanket statement referring to what men did or how men behaved or how good boys should act, I intentionally did the exact opposite. I was different and I needed the world to know this! I didn't drink partlly because everyone was doing it and I was not everybody. I listened to women(I mean really listened), spoke to them like equals and befriended them when everyone else used and disposed of them. I was different! I wanted to stand out because I believed that I should make an impact the lives of anyone I interact with. Better hate me or love me but whatever happens dont forget me because I was different. It became my identity, the rebel without a cause, to be different for the sake of it.
I took the same mentality to campus. Trained my mind to always go contrary to pop culture. I strived to see good in people even if they showed none of it, befriend women who just wanted instant gratification and didn't take advantage of those 'offers' I got. Actually turning a blind eye to them much to the chagrin of ny friends. Despite my environment(anyone who has been through K.U. can attest to this), I promised to be a virgin til got married(yeah you can pick your jaw up from the ground). I refused to be a product of my environment because I was different! Then I had a conversation with my friend that set into motion a chain of events. I explained to her how I hated conformism and how many of my decisions where made based on rebellion from the said conformism. She politely pointed out that that in itself was confromism because I was not being true to myself but making decisions predicated on others expectations of me even though I was doing things contrary to these said expectations. But all I wanted was to be different.
After many a day of self examination I realised the folly in my ways. I was so set in my need to prove to others how different I am, I lost the plot. I lost a chunk of who I am by denying my impulses in a bid to prove a point. I looked back at all the missed opportunities and wondered what could have been had I not been different. But I am different. I am not who or what people wish I was. I am different! I realsie now that I did not have to make an effort to be different in every aspect because what I am different without having to try. The parts of me that are not different are the ones that make me human while the differences make me who I am. I am different! Of late though I wish I was not different. I wish I did not see numerous grey areas where others simply saw balck or white. I wish I was the same as every other man out there who took life a sit came and did not question it. I wish I was not different because I am tired of standing out. I dont want to make a mark in everyone's lifeany more, only in the lives of those who matter. I want not to stand out for whatever reason, just be that nondescript guy you meet one day and cant even remember his name. But I am different. I wish I was not so that I can at least fit into just one place, just a single group of people without any form of pretense. But can't because I am different. What is left for me to do is just act like everyone else and keep my true nature well hidden. At least for that short period I will not feel like the blue thread, pretend that my differences are non-existent, that I am one of them. I dont want to be different any more because I am tired of defending my words and deeds, thought and decisions. I am tired of having to defend who I am. I am tired of being a square peg in a round hole. I am tired...
feeling, wondering
wishing, hoping
that one day
one place
one time
i will be allowed
even for a second
to be just me
b.c.
When growing up, I realised that I was different. I was the blue thread on the white piece of cloth. Not the kind of different that get people sent to asylums, but a more subtle kind of different. Sure I did most things my age mates did, but most were not done because I wanted to to but mostly because I was socialised to believe that they were expected of me so as to fit in. Then I became a teenager and my rebellious streak showed up. I fully embraced my difference and refused to try and fit in. I intentionallly did things contratry to what was expected or demanded of me simply to show the world I was different. Whenever I heard a blanket statement referring to what men did or how men behaved or how good boys should act, I intentionally did the exact opposite. I was different and I needed the world to know this! I didn't drink partlly because everyone was doing it and I was not everybody. I listened to women(I mean really listened), spoke to them like equals and befriended them when everyone else used and disposed of them. I was different! I wanted to stand out because I believed that I should make an impact the lives of anyone I interact with. Better hate me or love me but whatever happens dont forget me because I was different. It became my identity, the rebel without a cause, to be different for the sake of it.
I took the same mentality to campus. Trained my mind to always go contrary to pop culture. I strived to see good in people even if they showed none of it, befriend women who just wanted instant gratification and didn't take advantage of those 'offers' I got. Actually turning a blind eye to them much to the chagrin of ny friends. Despite my environment(anyone who has been through K.U. can attest to this), I promised to be a virgin til got married(yeah you can pick your jaw up from the ground). I refused to be a product of my environment because I was different! Then I had a conversation with my friend that set into motion a chain of events. I explained to her how I hated conformism and how many of my decisions where made based on rebellion from the said conformism. She politely pointed out that that in itself was confromism because I was not being true to myself but making decisions predicated on others expectations of me even though I was doing things contrary to these said expectations. But all I wanted was to be different.
After many a day of self examination I realised the folly in my ways. I was so set in my need to prove to others how different I am, I lost the plot. I lost a chunk of who I am by denying my impulses in a bid to prove a point. I looked back at all the missed opportunities and wondered what could have been had I not been different. But I am different. I am not who or what people wish I was. I am different! I realsie now that I did not have to make an effort to be different in every aspect because what I am different without having to try. The parts of me that are not different are the ones that make me human while the differences make me who I am. I am different! Of late though I wish I was not different. I wish I did not see numerous grey areas where others simply saw balck or white. I wish I was the same as every other man out there who took life a sit came and did not question it. I wish I was not different because I am tired of standing out. I dont want to make a mark in everyone's lifeany more, only in the lives of those who matter. I want not to stand out for whatever reason, just be that nondescript guy you meet one day and cant even remember his name. But I am different. I wish I was not so that I can at least fit into just one place, just a single group of people without any form of pretense. But can't because I am different. What is left for me to do is just act like everyone else and keep my true nature well hidden. At least for that short period I will not feel like the blue thread, pretend that my differences are non-existent, that I am one of them. I dont want to be different any more because I am tired of defending my words and deeds, thought and decisions. I am tired of having to defend who I am. I am tired of being a square peg in a round hole. I am tired...
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