sitting, thinking
feeling, wondering
wishing, hoping
that one day
one place
one time
i will be allowed
even for a second
to be just me
b.c.
When growing up, I realised that I was different. I was the blue thread on the white piece of cloth. Not the kind of different that get people sent to asylums, but a more subtle kind of different. Sure I did most things my age mates did, but most were not done because I wanted to to but mostly because I was socialised to believe that they were expected of me so as to fit in. Then I became a teenager and my rebellious streak showed up. I fully embraced my difference and refused to try and fit in. I intentionallly did things contratry to what was expected or demanded of me simply to show the world I was different. Whenever I heard a blanket statement referring to what men did or how men behaved or how good boys should act, I intentionally did the exact opposite. I was different and I needed the world to know this! I didn't drink partlly because everyone was doing it and I was not everybody. I listened to women(I mean really listened), spoke to them like equals and befriended them when everyone else used and disposed of them. I was different! I wanted to stand out because I believed that I should make an impact the lives of anyone I interact with. Better hate me or love me but whatever happens dont forget me because I was different. It became my identity, the rebel without a cause, to be different for the sake of it.
I took the same mentality to campus. Trained my mind to always go contrary to pop culture. I strived to see good in people even if they showed none of it, befriend women who just wanted instant gratification and didn't take advantage of those 'offers' I got. Actually turning a blind eye to them much to the chagrin of ny friends. Despite my environment(anyone who has been through K.U. can attest to this), I promised to be a virgin til got married(yeah you can pick your jaw up from the ground). I refused to be a product of my environment because I was different! Then I had a conversation with my friend that set into motion a chain of events. I explained to her how I hated conformism and how many of my decisions where made based on rebellion from the said conformism. She politely pointed out that that in itself was confromism because I was not being true to myself but making decisions predicated on others expectations of me even though I was doing things contrary to these said expectations. But all I wanted was to be different.
After many a day of self examination I realised the folly in my ways. I was so set in my need to prove to others how different I am, I lost the plot. I lost a chunk of who I am by denying my impulses in a bid to prove a point. I looked back at all the missed opportunities and wondered what could have been had I not been different. But I am different. I am not who or what people wish I was. I am different! I realsie now that I did not have to make an effort to be different in every aspect because what I am different without having to try. The parts of me that are not different are the ones that make me human while the differences make me who I am. I am different! Of late though I wish I was not different. I wish I did not see numerous grey areas where others simply saw balck or white. I wish I was the same as every other man out there who took life a sit came and did not question it. I wish I was not different because I am tired of standing out. I dont want to make a mark in everyone's lifeany more, only in the lives of those who matter. I want not to stand out for whatever reason, just be that nondescript guy you meet one day and cant even remember his name. But I am different. I wish I was not so that I can at least fit into just one place, just a single group of people without any form of pretense. But can't because I am different. What is left for me to do is just act like everyone else and keep my true nature well hidden. At least for that short period I will not feel like the blue thread, pretend that my differences are non-existent, that I am one of them. I dont want to be different any more because I am tired of defending my words and deeds, thought and decisions. I am tired of having to defend who I am. I am tired of being a square peg in a round hole. I am tired...
4 comments:
Word... But utado what? Conforming has become the way of existing in society. Without it U look and feel like the outsider pushing against the current that is painful tearing at ur very essence and further compromising ur 'square' state. Am just saying
yeah but just an addendum, conforming may make you look that one of them but you will always feel like an outsider.
i think we need to forget about society, forget what society expects of us, forget what society does not expect of us, forget what we are told to do and not do. society simply becomes the backdrop against which we paint the elaborate motif we want our lives to be. constantly fixating on society and what it has to offer gives society such a loud voice in our lives that is not warranted for so removed a backdrop. Instead, get up in the morning and think of those you love and how you can live today to make them smile, think of those who suffer and how your actions today afflict or comfort them, think of those who mourn and how you can join them in mourning. Let your life be a quest for a better you and a better world for those you love - and in that busyness, you will find yourself less lonely, less lost, less of a square peg in a round hole.
I agree totally with you but you see forgetting society just accentuates your differences. I have been doing what you say all my life in one way or another but there are those moments (which someone once referred to as moments of darkness) where you are alone and are stripped done to your nakedness. these are the moments you wish you didn't have to make the choices like make society a backdrop and so forth. These are the moments you realise you may be alone in the struggle and pangs of loneliness hit. The frequency of these moments are what I speak of now because they seem to be recurring at an alarming rate...
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